Two men kissing on a rooftop with a burning city behind them
Collapse chats & diaries, Ecology of the absurd, Germany, Popular & established authors, Reflections

Collapse utopias: the last gay kiss

By Tadzio Mueller; originally published in German on the blog Peaceful Sabotage. Republished with permission.

Tadzio Mueller has been sharing extracts on his blog, in German, from the unedited draft of his next book, titled Together Against Fear: Solidarity-Based Collapse Politics. He has kindly given me permission to republish his extracts on COTW in English. Below I have included some of his introduction to the extract originally published on his blog on the 2nd of July 2026, with the extract following the intro:

What you have before you here is the actual ending of the book; these will be the final pages, paragraphs, and sentences. The first draft isn’t finished yet; I’ve missed all sorts of deadlines and still have a lot to revise and rewrite (including this final section). But I think I’ve got the gist of it.

Take a look at the ending and let me know if you get the same impression. Oh, and this time I’m not really asking for critical feedback – I’d be happy to give that next week. Today I just want to celebrate having come this far in two months of writing. 220 pages, 7 chapters, a story that I hope you’ll find interesting.

So here it is, as a teaser and for the “hey Tadzio, that sounds really good” fishing for compliments: the conclusion of my second book. Together Against Fear: Solidarity-Based Collapse Politics, to be published in October 2026 by Mandelbaum Verlag.

Enjoy.

*******

Don’t go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

The last gay kiss

…Now, in a left-wing political book, this would usually be the point where the “ visioning ” section begins, because every grand left-wing narrative—and this book would at least like to be one—needs a utopia, because without utopia there is no “utopian warmth.” Without utopia, the political perspective I have presented here wouldn’t necessarily differ from that of an average volunteer fire department somewhere in the middle of Germany. When I explained the “SoliPreppen” strategy to an old friend and comrade a good two years ago, he asked me, somewhat smugly, whether “shoveling sandbags in the flood” had really become the sole horizon of my political thought and action—and if so, whether I, as a communist, wasn’t ashamed of that.

Of course, it was mostly friendly banter at first, but the question stuck with me; I quoted it in almost every reading and public event because it preoccupied me for a long time: what exactly is the “radical” core of my narrative? Does it even have one?

What has always distinguished the “radical” left from the “moderate” left—I deliberately avoid using historically specific labels like “revolutionary” or “reformist,” firstly because they are too imprecise, and secondly because, as explained above, the term “revolutionary” no longer has any meaning and therefore cannot function as the counterpart in a pair of concepts—was utopia. In concrete workers’ struggles, for example, social democrats and communists get along well; both wanted wage increases. But for social democratic workers, wage struggles were truly about wages, whereas struggles within capitalism, for example, about the relative distribution of surplus value between the two competing and mutually dependent classes, could only ever be a step towards better organization for the revolution for communist workers: utopia, that is, assumptions about the future, determine the meaning of things in the present.

Which means that without a vision of the future, the present isn’t entirely meaningless in a political sense, but if I’m sitting in the present, wondering what to do tomorrow, the only way to make that decision meaningfully is to have some idea of ​​what the day after tomorrow will look like. Strategies are lines, and to keep these lines from going all over the place , they need a vanishing point. Traditionally, for the radical left, this vanishing point is “the revolution.” Later, when it became clear to most thinking leftists that the Leninist revolution had become about as realistic as the idea of ​​a cavalry squadron winning a naval battle, we called it “transformation,” which really just meant “a whole lot of reforms that will eventually become a revolution”—in essence, nothing at all.

There is essentially no radical-left utopia left, apart from the modernist fever dreams of the “accelerationists,” whose strategic position was summarized in * Empire *—a book widely received within the anti-globalization movement and representing the central theoretical framework of the radical left in imperial centers during the 2000s—as follows: ” We’ve got to push through *Empire* and come out the side .” In other words: capitalism to the limit, then a magical transition to communism, and everyone’s happy. Fully automated luxury communism as the last false utopia of capitalist modernity.

But there is no longer a progressive bourgeois utopia either, because at its core, it would always have resembled the world of Star Trek/“Starship Enterprise”: democracy everywhere, technological hyper-progress everywhere, no wars, no poverty… in the bourgeois utopia, it’s simply that everyone has become a citizen, because the way our lives (and now I mean specifically: my class) ideally look – prosperous, peaceful, endowed with rights and political power – is what all lives should be able to look like, right? This idea is now just as realistic as the Leninist revolution, or indeed the victory of Kublai Khan’s cavalry in the Peloponnesian War. The long-observed “brutalization” of the bourgeoisie – which I analyzed in my last book as “assholeization” – is also a reaction to the repressed realization of the impossibility of everyone in the world living like the bourgeoisie in, for example, Germany, and therefore the bourgeoisie also feels that its privileges will not necessarily last. It’s possible that someone else, sometime, might do to us what we, of course, used to do to others, elsewhere: defeat militarily, occupy, rob, kill. That this isn’t particularly realistic is a given. But perpetrators of violence are themselves so traumatized by their own acts of violence that they are never again able to look at the victims of their crimes and aren’t afraid that they, too, will one day suffer the same fate they inflicted on others.

It is clear that there can be no ecological, no green utopia in a global ecological collapse. But left-wing and bourgeois, humanist utopias also cease to function in a collapse. The collapse sweeps away the vanishing points of modern capitalist politics, including the left , because these were always high on the Y-axis of societal outcomes: ” the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice .” Since only net negative societal outcomes are conceivable in a global ecological collapse—because the material conditions of human life on the planet will change so rapidly and so drastically that “chaos” is the most likely macro result—new vanishing points, new progressive utopias, are needed.

Border utopias in collapse

But can utopias even exist in a collapse? A brief look back: ever since Thomas More wrote the first “utopia” in the early 16th century, the utopia (simultaneously a “non-place,” and the “happy place”) has been a non-existent place, outside of reality, from which one can criticize reality. Everything that is bad in reality is good at the utopia (the non-place), and remains good. The utopia is a stable place of goodness, if not perfection, and collapse is precisely what makes all places unstable . No matter where you live, the more ecological collapse escalates, the faster it has effects on Earth, the fewer stable places there will be. That’s why the super-rich are building so many spaceships: because they’ve understood this.

Okay, so if there can be no true utopia in the classical sense, do we really need one? I mean , I’ve been resisting every bit of “hopium” in the climate and collapse debate, and I get incredibly annoyed when my comrades try to sneak magical thinking into our strategy discussions through some back door – do I really want to be the one who brings utopia back into the collapse debate?

The answer will surprise you: yes, that’s who I want to be. My experience during my “future depression,” that phase of utter meaninglessness in my life when there was no escape except ” get high and get fucked ,” showed me that I can’t function without an “escape route.” I need the idea of ​​a goal that lies outside the present, a situation I can work towards, a ” horizon state ,” something that can never be reached, but in which direction one can always move.

The concept of “direction” is also emphasized by what is probably the most famous formulation of the function of “utopia” in the history of the global left. The Uruguayan author Eduardo Galeano once wrote this: “Utopia stands on the horizon. I take two steps toward it, it recedes two steps. I take ten steps and the horizon retreats ten steps. What is the purpose of utopia? To enable us to move forward.”

Moving forward. That’s precisely what I’m talking about: that we move forward, keep going, keep fighting, keep loving, keep going… That’s why I still need utopia. But utopia in the classical sense is impossible in a collapse, because, as I said: a utopia is a stable place from which we can criticize the existing order, but since in a collapse “stable places” are not only “far away” but actually impossible , we have to adapt the concept to the collapse. If there can be no stable places from which we can criticize the existing order, and which can represent our strategic points of escape, then we need a conception of “utopia” that is not static, that can always and everywhere work, regardless of how good or bad the situation is in which we act. The “utopia” then doesn’t describe a perfect place we’re striving for, but rather an action, an intervention, intended to create a temporary state: it consists of an action working towards a goal; it’s a utopia that consciously focuses on “moving on,” no matter how bad things get in reality. Frankly, that sounds totally abstract, so I’d rather make it concrete and tell you about my very personal collapse utopia.

Important note: this will differ from your own collapse utopias. How exactly we imagine the collapse and our role in it is a totally personal matter, just like our fears – I’m terrified of my HIV medication running out, most of you probably aren’t, so different plans and strategies emerge, which makes perfect sense . My collapse utopia starts with me, with my fears, my needs, my abilities, which is why it might only motivate me – but that’s fine, because that’s precisely what it’s meant to do: motivate me, enable me to keep going. So I’m not necessarily inviting you to make my collapse utopia your own; it’s quite niche. Of course, I’m happy if it inspires you, but actually, by telling this last little story, I want to invite you to formulate your own collapse utopias. In my narrative, Nazis and communist queer people appear, as well as sex-positive parties in dark Berlin basements, fights, or shootouts with fascist combat troops. My own private utopia stems very much from my own imagination, and when someone once asked me if I couldn’t formulate a less “private” utopia, one potentially for everyone, for example, one that included children, my answer was: nope, my utopias are about fighting and kissing; children simply don’t fit into that. If you want children in your utopias, then include them. That’s what the collapse movement is about. Do it yourself. Because, firstly, your utopia is there for you; it’s meant to help you move forward: that’s much, much more efficient if you create it yourselves. And secondly, because the “collapse utopia” you formulate will always also be an answer to the question that also drives this search: who do I want to be, who will I be in the collapse—and of course, I have absolutely no idea what that looks like for you in concrete terms. And once we all have such a utopia in front of us, a path we can continue on, then it would be exciting to put them in relation to each other, for example within the framework of a solidarity-based collapse movement.

My own private collapse utopia

But we’re not there yet; there’s still a long way to go, through increasingly contested terrain that’s becoming ever more difficult to navigate. When I first became aware of this new terrain, I despaired because I couldn’t find a way through the thicket that loomed before me. And why should I even bother fighting my way through all that muck if defeat is the most likely outcome anyway, if the dangers are so great, if the other side is so strong? Why fight if we’re most likely going to lose ?

But then I realized that I don’t function as a human being unless I feel like I’m moving forward strategically, taking action. Finding a way through the thicket became a matter of survival for me— literally : I had tried to distance myself from “politics” and “the struggle,” and what I was and did during that time… well. I’ve had better days —and as we all know, in the service of our own survival, we often become quite creative.

This is how I see it now: while we are in a poor strategic situation compared to 10 or 20 years ago, others, elsewhere, were in far worse situations and still fought. There are many examples I could cite, and each carries its own risks: whether I cite indigenous struggles in the Americas, which have been undermined by Europeans for over 500 years, or the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, which, despite its lack of success, enabled affirmative, fighting Jewish life in a hell designed to destroy Jewish life, I would always be citing struggles and situations significantly different from ours. I would always be in danger of drawing the wrong conclusions from the experiences of others, based on my own privileged position.

So I’ll try it without historical comparisons: the agenda isn’t all that complicated: No matter how bad things get, we don’t have the right to give up, and that also means we don’t have the right, as most of us still do, to escape into comfortable lies, into one of those hopium stories where China, Norway, or some enlightened aliens can still save us from ourselves. No matter how dramatically the situation deteriorates here at home, the classic queer strategy of “getting up, straightening our crowns, and fighting on…” applies.

Fight on until…? Until when and where? My collapse utopia begins, appropriately , in a dystopian situation, which might sound strange at first, but is functional in the context of collapse: if the future becomes dystopian, then the utopia that allows me to “keep going” in this future despite everything must also make sense in a dystopia, no matter how dark it is. Therefore, collapse utopias should always start with a “worst-case scenario” and locate something inspiring within it—something that motivates one to “keep going.”

In my mind, it looks like this: the global ecological collapse has, within just a few years, led to the violence, destruction, and social chaos that we previously exported now arriving in the wealthy, externalizing societies of the North. Fascism is armed; in most countries of the “old West,” it also controls the state apparatus; and Germany has once again become world champion. For the second time, we hold the trophy for “greatest fascist assholes of all time” in our hands; we are, as always, the biggest bastards.

Some cities withstood the attacks from the more rural regions for a while, but one after another they fell under the onslaught of the brown hordes (if you hear echoes of Lord of the Rings here: sure. We’re telling stories, aren’t we? ). All cities? No, Berlin, populated by indomitable migrants, queers, and communists, was the last city to hold out—until very recently, when the fascists surrounded the city, cut us off from our forward defense positions (formerly: “commuter belt”) and food production enclaves, and, with the support of collaborators in wealthy West Berlin and fascist Southeast Berlin, began to advance toward the Berlin Ring. The mythical “Last Battle”, the communist Ragnarök ( except that we traditionally hoped we’d win – the old Vikings were more realistic, they knew the good guys would lose in the end) is brewing on the Tempelhof Field, not because urban warfare spills into open field battles, but because my mind can stage it better there.

The final battle doesn’t interest me: I’m part of the Pink Panther Brigades, whose task is to organize—and, if necessary, fight for—temporary but safe spaces for queer life in the socio-ecological hellscape that the world, including its formerly wealthy parts, has become in collapse, where brown hordes have taken over almost all of Europe, where people perceived as migrants, leftists, queer people, and people with disabilities have to hide. We know defeat is coming. That’s precisely why we’re throwing all our remaining resources into our core mission: enabling and defending queer life. We’re retreating to the city’s catacombs, to the many cellars and tunnels beneath Berlin that we’ve developed and interconnected through years of proactive preparation.

Messages are going out to our allies beyond Berlin: the world’s major cities have fallen, but everywhere—remember Independence Day: the aliens destroy the cities, people retreat to caves, deserts, and forests—radical queers still live, and everywhere people want to throw one last awesome queer party before going into permanent exile, to a camp, or… as Rosa Luxemburg once put it: “I will still hopefully die at my post: in a street battle or in prison. 

The Pink Panthers’ final battle, therefore, is not the (in this dark utopia) hopeless fight on Tempelhof Field against the advancing masses. It is the fight in the catacombs for affirmative queer life, for queer life as it should be: free, ecstatic, communal, awesome, supportive, loving, sexy, euphoric, human… The party is a riotous celebration; there is no longer any distinction between the darkroom and the dance floor. Everywhere there is kissing, sex, eating, drinking, crying, dancing, bondage, whipping, love, and laughter…

I’m not at the party myself. I’m part of the Panthers; our job was to make the party possible, now it’s our job to defend it. I hear the music, I hear the groans and the laughter. I’m not there, and yet this moment fills me completely, because I know exactly what I’m doing, why I’m standing here: at one of the entrances to the catacombs, where I can already see the first vanguard of fascists advancing towards us. I know: the party won’t last much longer. The enemy is already here.

But I also know: the longer we stand here, the longer queer life will continue. So let’s throw everything into this final moment, truly sacrificing ourselves. For what has become the meaning of our lives in recent years. The defense of queer life, the active, the proactive creation of spaces where queer and feminist and humanistic and supportive and loving and warm… where human life is possible as it should be. The kind of life that so irritates the assholes, precisely because it is so human.

In my dystopian vision of collapse, I, we, are capable of defending this last queer party against the advancing fascists until the last sixteen-year-old on this planet has shared the last gay kiss with the last eighteen-year-old. And as strange as that may sound, that’s enough for me as a “meaning of life,” enough for me as a goal for a fulfilling life in the midst of collapse. And if that isn’t enough motivation to imagine the space of catastrophe as a strategic space, then I don’t know what is. Because the agenda is clear, the path is clear—we just have to pull ourselves together and start walking it.

To be sure : we can achieve and fight for far, far more in this catastrophe than simply making a gay kiss possible somewhere. But my point is this: this thought provides orientation. Everything good that we can fight for is important, because if we don’t fight for it, don’t create it, then this good won’t exist in a world that will otherwise only get worse.

With increasingly exhausted greetings,

Yours truly, Tadzio.

Note: the featured image for this post was created using AI.
Collapse chats & diaries, DIARIES & MEMOIRS: COUNTRIES A-Z, Ecology of the absurd, Featured blogs, sites & lit works, Germany, Popular & established authors

The hottest day

By Tadzio Mueller; originally published in German on the blog Peaceful Sabotage. Republished with permission.

Dear people,

It’s Saturday, June 27th, 6:27 a.m. I’m sitting in the kitchen, a small pot of green tea beside me, my laptop on my lap, writing these lines. This isn’t my usual routine; when I work on a Saturday, I usually don’t start until 10 a.m., after I’ve had a bit of a lie-in and finished reading the morning paper in bed. But today is supposed to be one of the hottest days in Germany since records began. Yesterday, a weather station in Saarbrücken recorded 41.3 degrees Celsius, the highest temperature ever measured. Today, this record will likely be broken; 39 degrees Celsius is forecast for this afternoon in Berlin, the highest temperature I’ve ever experienced in Germany. Neither my office nor our apartment has air conditioning, and I’m under pressure to finish this book, so here I am at 6:46 a.m., already hard at work, because it will simply be too hot from midday onward. It will be too hot to work, too hot to think, too hot to tell stories. It will simply be too hot for everything. End of June. In northern Germany, not in Ecuador.

And this heat wave is just the beginning. The world’s oceans are warmer than ever before, or at least not within the context of a stable, human-friendly climate. In the Pacific, the “Godzilla El Niño” is gaining momentum, and in the North Atlantic, the “cold blob” is causing alarm, already influencing the monsoon in India and representing the first clearly visible sign of the coming collapse of the AMOC, which will one day trigger a climate catastrophe of its own in Europe. When? We don’t know, but the date is getting closer and closer since I started reading the studies on the subject.

It’s the last weekend in June, normally a weekend packed with festivals, Pride marches, village celebrations, and whatnot – and news is pouring in from all over Germany that most of them are being canceled this weekend. My good friend and fellow collapse enthusiast Scully wanted to go to the Christopher Street Day (CSD) in Ilmenau: canceled because of the heat; I had considered going to the CSD in Bernau with Wolf, like Scully, to make sure there were more of us there than potentially disruptive fascists: canceled because of the heat.

Yesterday, the hottest day in Germany since records began, roads collapsed, people died, and Berlin felt like a ghost town; nobody wanted to be outside, nobody wanted to be in the sun. About an hour north of Berlin, the left-wing alternative music festival Fusion is taking place this weekend, as it always does at the end of June. Around 50,000 hedonistic holiday communists are partying there exuberantly for several days, a significant number of them drunk, stoned, or high on amphetamines. I myself spent many a sleepless night there in my younger days. For several years now, I haven’t gone to Fusion myself, but every year when I’m not there, I experience FOMO, or ” fear of missing out .” Someone else might be having more fun than me.

This year I’m not worried about missing out. This year I’m worried that people will collapse there in droves, possibly even die of heatstroke. I’ve read *The Heat Will Kill You First * and * Ministry for the Future *; I know how, in extreme heat, our bodies dissolve in on themselves, how our insides turn to scrambled eggs. I’m afraid of the heat, and this year it will reach up to 40 degrees Celsius at Fusion. I’m afraid that people will simply die a miserable death while partying because, as a society, we’re just not prepared to live in *Hothouse Earth *, as an influential paper described it a few years ago.

It’s Saturday, June 27th, 6:28 a.m. Today will likely be the hottest day in Germany since records began. And tomorrow the record might be broken again. As the well-known meteorologist Özden Terli reminded us in yesterday evening’s news: we are emitting more greenhouse gases, not less, and as I predicted a few years ago, the more the climate catastrophe escalates, the less we care about climate protection.

It’s Saturday, June 27th, 6:29 a.m., and the last report on Deutschlandfunk radio before the 6:30 news is about the lack of civil defense in Germany. I didn’t hear everything; it’s still early, and I’m just making my green tea. A middle-aged man is asked when he last experienced a siren alarm: he replies that it must have been quite a while ago, perhaps 40 years? I promise myself I’ll listen to this report again later; maybe I’ll find a few more good quotes in it.

Quotes that are supposed to prove something? That I woke up on June 27th in a different world than the one I described in the last chapter. A world where “disaster preparedness” is something to be ridiculed, something to be dismissed as “fascist prepperism” with all the self-assurance of those who have never had to react to a disaster themselves. A world where it’s becoming increasingly clear: disasters are coming, in fact, they’re already here. You can prepare, or you can’t—but if you don’t, then things are going to go wrong.

June 27, 2026, is one of the few days I’ve experienced that truly feels like this: like a world on the brink of collapse. A world where everything is falling apart. A world that, in a crucial sense, is coming to an end. And this is casting its shadows. Shadows that many are still ignoring. But the exciting and dangerous thing about heat is: it’s hard to ignore, and expensive. So we now have a brief window in which we’ll talk about heat waves, climate collapse, and civil protection. The window will close again quickly because of our society’s tendency to deny the truth. But perhaps it will stay open long enough for me to finish my book about collapse and preparing for collapse. Cognitively, that would be stupid, because heat makes you stupid. But symbolically, it would fit. And stories are all about symbols. So here we go : the world is ending, this book will soon be too, let’s wrap it up, people.

With diligent but heat-worried greetings,

Yours truly, Tadzio

DIARIES & MEMOIRS: COUNTRIES A-Z, Exclusive to COTW, Letters to the editors, Popular & established authors, South Korea

Letter from Jo Eun Young to Matthew, COTW editor

Dear Matthew,

I hope you have been doing well.

After returning from Europe, I took about a week to recover from jet lag and regain my energy.

For this journey, I printed fifty copies of our leaflet, and I was able to leave forty-eight of them at bookshops along the way.

My first stop was the conference in Siena, where I shared the leaflet with professors and several students in Korean Studies. They were genuinely interested, especially in the translations, and I promised to send them the original Korean poems after returning home.

After Siena, I visited Florence and Rome. The experience was quite different from my visit to Lisbon in 2019.

In Lisbon, I felt warmly welcomed. Perhaps it was because Fernando Pessoa is celebrated throughout the city, with bookstores and shops proudly displaying books and souvenirs inspired by him. It felt like a city that embraces its poets.

Florence and Rome, however, felt different. After returning home, I found myself reflecting on why.

First, Florence and Rome are much more tourism-oriented cities than Lisbon. Perhaps people naturally saw me as a tourist rather than as a writer.

Second, I wondered whether my limited English, together with being an Asian visitor, made communication more difficult.

Third, many of the bookshops I visited also operated as cafés, restaurants, or bars, which may have made it less practical for them to introduce or display independent literary projects.

Because the leaflet was written in English, one bookseller—who I believe was probably a staff member rather than the owner—suggested that I should instead visit bookshops specializing in English-language books.

In Florence, every bookshop kindly accepted my leaflet. In Rome, one bookshop politely declined. It appeared to be one of the busiest bookstores in the neighborhood, and the staff explained that any decision to display printed materials had to be discussed and approved at a staff meeting.

I cannot say that I was enthusiastically welcomed everywhere, but I also realize that this expectation was my own. If even one person becomes interested and a genuine connection begins, I will consider this journey worthwhile.

Most importantly, this small adventure was meaningful because I was able to share a leaflet that we created together—you, the illustrator Han So-jin, and I. Thanks to this project, I wandered far beyond the usual tourist destinations and explored the small streets and independent bookshops of Florence and Rome.

Back in Korea, I am currently teaching as a professor while also working with a local cultural foundation on a project interviewing independent neighborhood bookshops. Looking back, from March through August, I have been on a continuous journey through local bookshops in both Korea and Europe.

Thank you, Matthew, for accompanying me on this journey through your work and encouragement.

Now many projects are waiting for me again.

I hope to spend this summer working, reading, writing, and loving.

With my sincere gratitude,

JO EUN YOUNG

P.S.

I’ve been documenting this journey on my Instagram (@bella_joeun), if you’re interested.

Popular & established authors, SHORT short stories, South Korea

The Memory Pawnshop (Everyone Remembered Him Except Me)

By Hyoungshim Choi; Hyoungshim Choi is one of the most popular authors on COTW. After this piece, try her excellent short story, Tongue.

In the shop tucked away in the corner of the alley, there hung a heavy atmosphere. A grey-haired man stared intently at an old set of scales, placed on a display stand. The reading, steeply rising, eventually came to a stop. 

—You hit the jackpot with this one. 

The eyes of the man in the jeweler’s loupes gleamed keenly. 

—Please give me a good price for it.

I mumbled, as if pleading. The man carefully removed the device that was connected to my head. You’d have thought this device for stimulating the brain might have gotten some upgrade by now, but he was sticking to the old ways. However, he was a veteran with a great many clients, reliable. He knew indeed how to distinguish valuable memories and extract them without damaging them. He was famous in particular for implanting memories neatly and noiselessly. While the man priced my memory, I, after hesitating several times, found the courage to open my mouth. 

—I’m here today to propose a very special deal.

This place where precious memories are bought and sold is called the soul’s pawnshop. I’m a regular here. Mainly as a seller. The memories I sell are to do with romance. Some people might call it love, but I just call it romance. So people call those who do this kind of work, like me, the prostitutes of the soul. As the name suggests, it’s not a particularly well-regarded job.  

I’ve been doing this for almost 5 years now. The first time I sold a memory was when I had just left the childhood care facility. Since I had nothing, I decided to sell off the memories of what I wouldn’t exactly call my first love. When I sold one of these memories for the first time, I experienced a miracle where my body felt lighter. Perhaps selling that memory had taken some of my darker childhood memories with it. Those memories had been woven into the background of my first love. It’s somewhat regrettable that the memories cannot be removed completely even when they are supposed to be, since some traces are left behind that might be considered as afterimages. In any case, I got into this work because of the lightness of heart I got from sloughing my dark memories, and because I was attracted to the fact my experiences went for a pretty high price to the wealthy.

Memories sold in this manner are sometimes used for basic construction of virtual reality, and if there are people who want to make these memories more vividly their own, then the memories are transplanted after undergoing some slight processing. The kind of people who buy the memories of people like me, I was told, are the ones who are unwilling to experience things in this busy world by putting their own mind and body under stress but who still would like to indirectly have those experiences. Of course, there is no reason to undergo all the sorts of hardships that people like me have to, people who have no place to stay, no parents, and no proper social protection. Plus, they are busy competing to survive in this high-tech world, nor can they afford to use up their mental and physical energy struggling to have and maintain romantic relationships. People who have been closely managed from the time that they were a fertilized egg and have to live their best lives are different from those like me who were conceived and born naturally and have to deal with all sorts of pain and diseases. That is to say, I am of the lowest caste in this society. 

—How was the person you went out with this time?

Anna, sitting next to me in the waiting room, asked me while we were waiting for our memories to be transferred to the computer simulation. Anna looked at me with her face all swollen up. She must’ve come here to sell the memory she acquired from staging some tear-jerking melodrama.

—He was okay. Very much so.

I choked up as I responded.

—What does he do?

Anna asked, still wiping away her eyes.

—Space explorer. He went all the way inside a black hole and managed to escape, just about.

—Sounds fun. How did you meet?

—At a space communication club. I became friendly with a man who lives on Planet Titan, and he invited me over to his.

—That’s cool. Then why did you break up?

I could not give an answer. I always used to think of Anna as a silly goose, immersed in self-pity and overly sentimental. But this time around, I was the one crying. In an attempt not to cry I ground my teeth, but the sound of my choking up still escaped. Anna looked at me astounded, then, without words, she wiped my eyes with her sleeves.

As I sat there, the memory surfaced with painful clarity. Once again I was aboard the shuttle, staring through the window at the familiar black sky and starlight. The afterimage of Ian, disappearing into the darkness beyond, was still vivid. Looking at the blue Earth slowly nearing, I touched the empty seat next to mine.

The last night on Planet Titan, he handed me two tickets to Earth. With the words that he wanted me to be with me forever. Except for the check-in process being strangely slow at Titan Space Station, everything went smoothly. That is, before Ian pressed the emergency evacuation button with the terrorist in his arms. For a long time after the spaceship departed from Planet Titan, Ian and I could not sleep at all because of our expectations for a new life. As the passengers went into hibernation for the long journey to Earth, a terrorist tried to force his way into the cockpit. We were just about to go into hibernation. I had absolutely no clue that it was going to be like this when Ian quietly rose and wrapped his arm around the terrorist.

They put him as missing. The terrorist had already broken the security camera in the cabin before he tried to force his way into the cockpit. I, the only witness, testified at the top of my lungs to his heroic sacrifice, but nobody gave ear to what I had to say.

My memories with him—these, I really did not want to sell. I wanted to remember him for long (for a long time / forever) and I wanted to miss him until the day I died. But I had to sell my memories, so at least I could make other people remember him for long (for a long time / forever)

First, I made up my mind to sell all of my memories that might be worth any money except for the scene where Ian, nestled within the emergency evacuation capsule with the terrorist in his arms, disappears into the starlight. Recollections of my mother, faceless and remembered only as warmth deep down in my memories, all the way up to him proposing to me. They were worth pretty good money, for they were ones I had intended not to sell and to cherish for a long time. But then, I placed a very special order with the owner of the soul pawnshop. I asked him to simultaneously insert the scene into the memories of a great number of people—the scene where Ian escapes into space with the terrorist in his arms to save the lives of hundreds of passengers. We agreed that I would pay for this with the money I earned from my memories.

Lying on the memory-harvesting machine, I felt my left arm. On it, I had tattooed Ian’s name. For I wanted to be left with it, only this, even though all of his memories would be erased. Soon enough, the machine lit up. I closed my eyes.

—You may come out now. 

The machine stopped and I woke up. As always, my head was hazy. A finalized bill was waiting for me at the cashier. As I was about to step out of the pawnshop having picked up the papers, the owner said wistfully that the new memory-transplant program is astonishingly good. I just smiled at him, not understanding what he meant. My eyes teared up as I was pushing the glass door, strange. The owner’s countenance bidding me goodbye was dark. The door closed behind me and the sight of the street caught my eyes. The sun was shining brightly. The sky was as clear and clean as it’s ever been. A strange man was smiling on the big news billboard erected at the end of the street. His face seemed somehow familiar.

—We all shall remember his noble sacrifice for a long time.

The news anchor was struggling to keep under his control the emotions surging within him. I thoughtlessly put my hands into my pockets and walked up to the end of the street. Anna, recognizing me at the far end, smiled brightly. Tears, whose meaning I could not understand, kept flowing from my eyes.

DIARIES & MEMOIRS: COUNTRIES A-Z, Ecology of the absurd, England, Exclusive to COTW

Building Silent Haven: Chapter Three

Featured image: ‘Aerial View’ 1996, acrylic on board

In 2000 I found a studio, housed within and named after an old Chocolate Factory, where the plan was to house 100 artists. It was a walk across the park from my flat and near to the allotment! I was creating my little natural world in London! I was the first artist in and my work became freer. I painted, sculpted, crafted, and made clothes, mostly from recycled materials.

‘Red Still Life’ 2000, oil on canvas

I came across a leaflet for a residency at Dorland Mountain Arts colony in California, applied for it and was accepted. Somehow, I made the money to go and so I made drawings of an ambitious painting I wanted to do there. I tentatively bought a huge roll of canvas thinking that I could cut it down when I arrived if it was too big.

In March 2001 I arrived at Dorland and I was shown to where I would be staying for the next month. Wow! The Retreat was sensational. It sat nestled on a remote hillside with fabulous views all around. It was a massive building with a canvas roof and windows which showed the moon coming up at night. The wood burner was the only source of heating and I had never lit a fire in my life. I soon learned and became an expert.


The Retreat

Robert, a permanent resident showed me inside the house and when he got back to the front door, he said “oh, and there is this…” He lifted a pole at the side of the front door and the whole front wooden wall opened out onto a concrete balcony. The amazing thing was, there was a massive drawing board attached to this wall and it was exactly the size of my canvas! Needless to say I didn’t cut it down and I spent the whole month painting outside.

Front wall, living space, and communal dining room

‘Past Life Present’ 2001, oil on canvas

My work had got bigger and bigger over the years, from tiny black and white graphics to this, a massive, colourful oil painting on canvas. It is about a vision I had of me and my relationships to people in a past life as Native Americans. The other people in the painting are from my present life.

I met a beautiful man called Ben at Dorland, who made amazing sculptures in wood. We hung out together throughout the month. I realised later in the month that I had fallen in love with him, but he had a girlfriend so I never told him. Keeping my feelings to myself was hard. When I left Dorland, I got onto the Greyhound bus and began to feel ill. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I was getting up to ask the driver to take me to a hospital when I instinctively pulled out a piece of paper and pencil and started writing. I wrote a 46-verse love poem about Ben on the bus and when I had finished, the pain in my heart had gone.

Dorland was an amazing break from my madness and gave me the motivation and energy for the beginning of a new life.

Ben